Monday, April 18, 2011

I Can't Believe I Fell For It - Part I

Part 1 of a 5 part series.  Or maybe just a 4 part series.  Possibly 3.  

I'm not sure how many of you know it, but I have a part-time gig as a freelance writer for The Free Weekly, which is an alternative paper out of Fayetteville. I write a restaurant review (Eat It), organize the calendars and basically do whatever my editor asks - as long as I really want to do it.  

Last week he wanted to know if I wanted to take a mini road trip and take some shots of King's River Falls.  Of course, I said yes.  Partly, because I wanted to take a mini road trip, but mostly because I'll unashamedly whore myself out for almost any kind of work these days. 

So, Eric and I loaded up the car with some drinks and sandwiches and a lot of naive optimism and headed out on our merry way.  

King's River Falls is only about an hour from the house.  I think.  I'm really not sure.  You see, we got lost on the way there.  But it wasn't our fault.  The falls are way out in the middle of Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, Why the Hell Would Anyone Want To Live Out Here?  I know that seems a tad wordy for a location, but they didn't put me in charge of naming things. We'll just do as the locals do and call it Out Yonder. It seems that the powers that be in Out Yonder decided to change all of the county road numbers so they didn't match the road numbers on my GPS.  

Getting lost in Out Yonder is bad, but I can't settle for just bad.  I have to have REALLY bad or I'm just not a happy girl.  So, while we were driving on miles and miles of extremely bumpy dirty roads, my bladder decided that now would be a super fun time to be emptied.  Okay, that sounds like I peed myself, which I didn't.  But I had to pee.  Horribly bad. Like bad enough that I was starting to think about people who died from their bladder bursting. There are no gas stations out in Out Yonder.  NONE. 

There was also no shrubbery to squat behind.  And I'd gotten to the point where I would have squatted behind anything that would have shielded me from unsuspecting eyes.  The only thing that was green was blackberry brambles and I didn't think that getting poked there by blackberry thorns would be much fun.  

All of the roads looked just like this.  Lots of brown dirt.  
After driving for what seemed like days, we finally managed to get heading back in the right direction.  In the meantime, I was sure I was going to die from a bladder explosion, which really isn't a very dignified way to die.  We came to a church that we'd seen at least once before and Eric said that maybe there was a place for me to pee there.  I was willing to try anything.  I may have told him that if there wasn't any place to pee I was going to mangle certain parts of his body.  

Oddly enough, there were two outhouses behind the church.  I don't know why there were outhouses - maybe it was a miracle.  I didn't get any photos of the outhouses, because while they were potentially miraculous, they still weren't very picturesque.  But I did get a shot of the bell tower.  I'm not sure why because it wasn't picturesque, either.  Maybe having to pee for 3 days out in the middle of nowhere did something to my brain.  Maybe I was suffering from urine poisoning.  

  I also took a picture of the well.  Once again, no idea why.  

After driving down a couple of more dirt roads, we finally made it to the falls.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about the snake and axe murderers named Chainsaw.  

Be happy and pee before you leave, 

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